Attunement Over Accounting: Meeting Your Partner Where It Matters
Attunement Over Accounting: Meeting Your Partner Where It Matters
In the rhythm of everyday life, connection can quietly become background noise. We respond automatically, assume understanding, or keep track of what we’ve done versus what they haven’t. But what if connection isn’t about balancing the scales — and more about learning to hear music we didn’t know how to listen for?
In collaborative therapy, we talk about language as co-created — meaning, identity, even love isn’t fixed but shaped in the space between people. It asks us to be with someone in their world, not just interpret their needs through our own lens.
So when your partner reaches out — a sigh after a long day, a request for a hug, a comment about feeling distant — these are not just words or behaviors. They’re bids for connection. Little moments where someone is saying, “Will you turn toward me? Will you see me?”
Often, these bids don’t show up in the language you would use. That’s where curiosity becomes a practice, not just a mindset. One person may crave physical closeness, while the other values words of affirmation. One may ask questions to feel connected, while the other may do the dishes as a gesture of care. In relationships, we don’t all ask for love in the same way — and we certainly don’t always hear it clearly when it’s spoken in a different dialect.
This is where love languages come into the conversation — not as a rigid system, but as a framework for noticing. When we become aware of how our partner experiences care, we gain access to a map. And it’s not about agreeing with the route they take — it’s about understanding why that route matters to them.
Attunement means choosing to listen to someone else’s emotional frequency, even when it’s different from your own.
Not to earn points.
Not to “be the better partner.”
Not because your way is wrong.
But because you care about the music they’re trying to play — even if you’re more fluent in jazz and they’re speaking in folk.
That kind of attunement requires slowing down. If you notice a quick irritation rising — “Why do they always need that?” — that’s a moment worth pausing. Curiosity lives just underneath reactivity. Can you ask yourself:
What might this moment mean to them?
What are they hoping I’ll notice?
What’s underneath this request?
And can you ask them, gently:
“When you said that, what were you hoping I’d understand?”
“What helps you feel connected to me?”
That’s the work. Not tit for tat. Not keeping score.
But staying in the conversation — the evolving, collaborative one — where both partners are known and cared for in ways that actually land.
Attunement doesn’t ask us to be perfect. It asks us to pay attention, with warmth and willingness. It asks us to turn toward the bids, the gestures, the quiet moments that might otherwise slip by. And when we do, we move from performing love to participating in it.
Curious about being more curious in your relationships? Check out this Zessions episode: Curiosity: A Super Power in Relationships
